• Domestic Violence:Our Beds Are Burning!

    by  • June 3, 2011 • Life, Reactions, Relations • 10 Comments

    You might have seen Burning Beds flick by Farrah Fawcett ; it is about a desperate woman who after years of abuse by her spouse sets him ablaze while he is sleeping in their bed. It paints a dark picture of what we as humans are able to do if given the chance; and what consequences we will face if we keep using violence as a weapon of communication, as a sign of control hunger or a way to hide our own faults and shortcomings.

    Her burning the bed stands in a stark contrast of what peace of mind and security you would have at your bed; murder was not the right answer but her only escape after all her calls for help went on deaf ears and all the doors she knocked on slammed in her face. It cries out:” I cannot take it anymore!”

    She was a victim of Domestic Violence; a monstrous evil that inflicts horrible physical and psychological damages on almost everyone it touches. It does not discriminate against Sex, Age, family relations or even social status. It hurts your body and leaves scars on your soul. Your neighbor might be the aggressor or the victim, your child’s friend might be going home to it and your Book Club partner might be hiding it in fear of retaliation.

    The Signs:

    In the age of fading” Love Thy neighbor “; it is difficult to ask the victim about it, but you can see in a subtle ways:

    Long sleeves and scarfs when it is boiling hot outside, dark sunglasses when there is no sun shining and a look of hurting soul that cannot make or keep eye contact with yours. Dark bags under the eyes from lack of sleep, missing days on end at work, a child who “Falls on the Stairs” a lot, a woman walking slightly behind her husband or a muffed laughter when the monster is around.

    The Causes:

    • Psychological
      Psychopathy and other personality disorders such as Borderline personality disorder, Antisocial personality disorder, Bipolar disorder, Schizophrenia, Drug abuse and Alcoholism
      Personality traits
      • Poor impulse control
      • Poor self-esteem
      • feelings of inadequacy,
      • unresolved childhood conflicts,
      • hostility and resentment toward women (misogyny),
      • hostility and resentment toward men (misandry)
    • Behavioral
      Domestic violence can be a result of Learned Behavior, the son observes his father abusing his mother and might mimic him later in his adult life by abusing his loved ones, and rule model plays a strong part.
    • Sociocultural influences Some social cultures turns a blind eye to domestic violence, and takes a man” straightening” his wife or children as an acceptable practice.
    • Economical Economic Dependency by women who are housewives, handicapped or unemployed on their abusive spouse creates a fear of leaving the marriage and facing the world alone. That fear increases many folds if they have children in common.
    • Relational disorders Marital conflict disorder (Marital Conflict Disorder With Violence).

    Cycle of Abuse:

    The cycle of abuse is a social cycle theory developed in the 1970s by Lenore Walker to explain patterns of behavior in an abusive relationship:
    •Tension Building Phase Characterized by poor communication, tension, fear of causing outbursts. During this stage the victims try to calm the abuser down, to avoid any major violent confrontations.
    •Violent Episode Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents. During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate his/her partner(victim), with the use of domestic violence.
    •Honeymoon Phase Characterized by affection, apology, and apparent end of violence. During this stage the abuser feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness. Some abusers walk away from the situation, while others shower their victims with love and affection.

    The Way Out

    Know your rights:
    As a human being to be safe from harm, as a woman to enjoy her life without pain and fear.

    Seek help for yourself:
    Be it a woman shelter, a crisis intervention center or law enforcement. The laws against domestic violence are getting tougher and better.
    Seek help NOW! Things are not going to get better!
    Tell someone:
    As hard as it might be to share your intimate life details with anybody; when it comes to domestic violence, shed your inhibitions aside and tell your freind, your doctor or anybody you think will be able to help you out.

    Do not suffer in silence!!!!

    Examples of Violence against Women Throughout the Life Cycle
    PhaseType of violence

    Sex-selective abortion; effects of battering during pregnancy on birth outcomes.



    Child marriage; female genital mutilation; physical, sexual and
    psychological abuse; incest; child prostitution and pornography.

    Adolescence and Adulthood

    Dating and courtship violence (e.g. acid throwing and date rape)
    Adulthood economically coerced sex (e.g. school girls having sex with “sugar
    daddies” in return for school fees); incest; sexual abuse in the
    workplace; rape; sexual harassment; forced prostitution and
    pornography; trafficking in women; partner violence; marital rape;
    dowry abuse and murders; partner homicide; psychological abuse;
    abuse of women with disabilities; forced pregnancy.


    Forced “suicide” or homicide of widows for economic reasons; sexual,
    physical and psychological abuse.

    (Source: “Violence Against Women”, WHO., FRH/WHD/97.8)

    Domestic Violence Resources

    Feminist Majority Foundation
    Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook (USDA)
    National Domestic Violence Hotline
    Domestic Violence (Unicef)
    Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

    © 2011, M Z. All rights reserved.


    Blogger, writer, dappling in poetry and freelancing in Web and Graphic Design.


    10 Responses to Domestic Violence:Our Beds Are Burning!

    1. Pingback: HeSaid1

    2. June 4, 2011 at 9:51 pm

      A very informative post. You might also like this video:


      • He Said
        June 4, 2011 at 9:57 pm

        Thank you Barkha, Wish we do not have it anymore!
        Good Vid too 🙂

    3. June 4, 2011 at 11:50 pm

      Hello He Said –

      If I’m not mistaken, isn’t the reason most domestic violence goes unpunished because the victim fails to file charges? In fact, doesn’t a high percentage of victims never say a word to anyone? I don’t know those stats for certain. It just seems like I’ve read that in the past. Thank you. 🙂

      • He Said
        June 5, 2011 at 12:10 am

        Thank you for your comment Charlie 🙂
        In the United States 28% of women reported at least one episode of physical violence from their partner.” I agree with you; Too low!

    4. June 5, 2011 at 7:16 am

      Very informative and necessary article.

      I think it’s important that the issue of Domestic Violence stays in constant rotation. Abuse shapes and changes lives. It can be all so tragic. But, to have the knowledge on how to conquer it and how to overcome it, is the best antidote.

      Yes..”Our Beds Art Burning”..but thanks He Said for helping in putting out the fires.


      • He Said
        June 5, 2011 at 10:19 am

        Thank you Mantra,

        We hurt the ones we love the most; it is about time we wake up and see how wrong it is!

    5. June 6, 2011 at 11:11 am

      Great post, He Said, and an issue to which much attention should be drawn.

      To Charlie: Many women do, in fact, notify authorities, but they are reluctant to help even after a Protection From abuse Order has been issued by the court. I worked with many police officers over the years, and they all said that domestic calls are the most dreaded, and for them—the most dangerous. We have all seen news reports where the perpetrator has the victim as a hostage. She calls the police and often the outcome is murder/suicide, and sometimes the death of an officer. The best place for a woman to be is in a shelter…not in her home or his.

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