• The Blond And The Frog

    by  • July 4, 2011 • Getting Older, Life • 1 Comment

    I was walking on the beach holding hands with a gorgeous blond.

    The waves were just barely washing over our feet as we talked and laughed. The conversation took a turn for the better, if you get my drift – pun intended.

    It was painfully obvious that it was time for me to stop walking, hold her tightly in my arms, and really plant one on her. You know the kind of kiss I’m talking about. The one with so much suction not even an old Kirby vacuum cleaner could match. A Kirby can suck up a five pound weight through a hose that has been tied in a figure eight. I know because I sold them door to door for one day.

    As I grabbed her tightly around her slim waist and shoulders, closed my eyes, and opened my mouth wide with my tongue eager with anticipation, I heard a low moan. It couldn’t be from me, because I haven’t even kissed her yet! What the heck is that noise?

    Then my blond vanished in thin air, and I was just barely aware that I was dreaming.
    Damn! Double damn!! I haven’t had a dream like this since I was in the ninth grade, and a moan ruined it for me. But back to the moaner. Just where did the moan come from. Well, I then had to open my eyes to convince myself I really was dreaming.

    As I looked up through my CPAP mask that makes me look like Hannable Lectra (I don’t how to spell the name! Never even saw the movie!!),
    I saw one of my two long-haired Chihuahua’s (Millie) looking down at me and she was moaning. That is her little way of indicating to me – regardless if I am in the RIM state or not and about to French kiss a knock out blond – she needs to go outside and do her business.

    So, I slipped on my old man robe and my University Of Texas Longhorn slippers, put on her leash, grabbed a plastic bag so I won’t get fined $25, and headed for the golf course, which is ten feet outside of my apartment door. Millie interrupted my splendid dream at 1:00AM CST. Now I don’t know who in the hell would be out looking for violators, but when you are living on Social Security a fine of $25 could put me over the top.

    I was standing there still in a stupor. 10% of me was with Millie, and the other 90% was still somewhere on the beach in Maui. Everything was rather routine until I noticed my Millie was POINTING.

    I mean not one hair was moving. I’ve never seen her in that pose before, and I have had her since 1997. For all I knew, maybe we had cornered SASKWATCH(I know!) or something exotic. Too bad it wasn’t the blond in my dream.

    I looked a few feet in front of Millie, and there was the culprit. It was a cute little frog. I tried to explain to Millie that frogs are good because they eat those things that suck your blood out. How’s that for avoiding trying to spell them? After several minutes, the frog hopped along, and Millie did her little number, I picked it up, and I finally got to return to my slumber.

    It aggravates me to no end that we cannot book mark our dreams, so we can resume where we left off!!!!

    Well, next thing I knew I was walking outside and I saw a huge frog. She must have been four feet long, and two feet tall. She had a gold crown on her head, and was covered with awful looking warts from head to toe. Then, she started talking to me. I said, ‘Oh yeah – a talking ugly frog!’

    She said, ‘Do you want to see that blond again?‘ I mumbled, ‘Why sure. But this is just a dream isn’t it?

    She said, ‘Honey, you come over here and give me a lip lock like you were fixing to with that blond, and we’ll see who is dreaming!

    I very slowly and cautiously leaned down to kiss the frog, and I was saved by my other Chihuahua – Maggie.

    It was her turn to go out, and she was licking me profusely.

    © 2011, Pierre Cassidy. All rights reserved.


    Have taught Oracle software classes for the past twenty-four years. Am trying to complete my third book, an autobiography, before it is too late. My first two books were about Oracle SQL*Plus. I am single, and live in an apartment with my two chihuahuas.


    One Response to The Blond And The Frog

    1. July 4, 2011 at 11:45 am

      Ah, this is too funny! Love it 🙂

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *